Loss is a hard thing. This pregnancy had been different since the last in so many ways and for some reason I could not shake the thought of a miscarriage. It wasn't fear, per say, but insight perhaps? As odd as it may sound I do feel that the Lord gives me wisdom about specific things that are going to happen in the future. This clear discernment happening only when He chooses but it does seem so real that when it comes true it is no surprise.
That was the case when we lost our poor little baby this weekend. Hearing its heartbeat at five weeks was amazing but did make it harder. I realize that miscarriages are fairly common but rarely talked about. I need to share, though, to heal and perhaps help any that may need to know upon crossing my path. I was excited about the pregnancy but guarded, though this was never a thought while caring Zoe. The Lord helped to prepare me for what was to come.
What was a shock, though, was the physical pain and messiness of the whole experience. It felt in some ways to a mini birth (very mini when I consider that almost a year ago I was experiencing Zoe's entrance to the world without any drugs). The doctor stated that this was true and it was in many ways. AND the hormones, sometimes hits at random times, the tears flow, the darkness closes in (which is not helped by the dark weather) and I don't want to get out of bed (or sometimes just want to crawl back in). It is a waterproof mascara kind of week for sure. All this mixed with the thoughts of having to plan for my daughter's amazing birthday coming up this week.
I did hate pulling up to the doctor's office and not being able to park in my normal spot, the place where I was so excited to park the week before. I was no longer in that special category.
I do feel that the Lord protected me in so many ways. There are soooo many things to be thankful for in the way that it happened:
- That I didn't go to the lady's retreat at our church as I had signed up to go and have greatly enjoyed in the past but just did not think I was supposed to do so. (It would have been awful to be so far away and so unprepared.)
- That this did not happen in the middle of our all day foster care training earlier in the day.
- That Beach was there, as it was over the weekend, to support me and take care of Zoe.
- That it didn't happen when my in-laws were visiting for the yearly visit the following weekend.
- That I wasn't too far along and, thus, did not need a DNC.
- That I was not really showing so as to be obvious to the world and have to answer a million questions, as my clients and most others had yet to know about the pregnancy.
- Like all hardships, I feel it gives me another tool to relate to and understand those that may have gone through something similar.
- That I already have an amazing daughter of my own, that brings me so much joy.
I know our home will have more children, whether they come from my body, foster care, long or short term, we are open to love. Above all, though, I trust in God's sovereignty, in HIS PERFECT timing. In his wisdom. In his Grace. In that, through tears at times, I rest.