Zoe your so ________! What's your blank say about you?

Zoe loves fill in the blanks.  That is, she likes it when I start a sentence and she can fill in the answer.  Clearly there are things that I say over and over to a two year old that her good little memory can easily spring up.  This little "game" of ours has seemed to help her, as she used to ask me the same question over and over again, even when she knew the answer.  It seems to be that if she answers it then there is no need to keep asking. 

My little one is really cute.  And I tell her so all the time.  I mean with the faces she makes, the sining, clothes, hair accessories comments, I just can't help it!  So one of our sayings quickly became me exclaiming, "Zoe your so..."  "Cute," she would reply (it is so adorable how she even says it!).

Then I got to thinking.  Do I really want my child to just think of herself as cute.....hummm, no, she is so much more.  A smart one for sure.  So I began to say that, too.  "Zoe your so ______ and _____!" And of corse she would always provide the new answers "Cute" and "Smart".  There that's better (now she won't just think looks are all that is important) or was it.

I thought about more as time went on.  Identity is such a HUGE issue for all of us and it starts young.  What do I want my girls to think of about themselves, to value.  I certainty don't want them to put their weight in their looks and struggle so like their mommy did when she grew up, never feeling pretty enough (I remember always just wondering/wishing/praying that I could just look AVERAGE.  That's not asking for much.  I didn't have to be beautiful but could I just be average... certainty I thought that would make me feel better about myself).  

Nor do I want them to put all of their hope in their mental capabilities and struggle as their father did with school (he has had to always battle the feeling of not being able to do things - esp. in the academic department - which has held him back from many things).

So OK, I know I don't want theses things....so what does that leave me with explaining to a two year old.  Well, there has been one thing I am learning more and more about lately...How much I am loved.  I know I'm loved by my family, no doubt about that, but honestly there is no guarantee that I will always have them (and really just the guarantee that I won't, as death waits for no one when it is time).  But I am LOVED so deeply by my heavenly father.  And He is showing me more and more how much and deep this is truly is.  And THAT is where I can be secure.  That He will always be there for me, that He sees me as beautiful, that he will grant me wisdom when I ask and that he is my source of joy. 

That, that is what I want my girls to know.  In a way that permeates their soul to the deepest darkest parts of today and tomorrows struggles.  That they are LOVED!  So now, that is what I focus on with my little one with our fill in the blanks.  That is not to say that I don't tell her she is cute and smart but that my focus is on how she is LOVED!  May they (and I) begin to grasp such at even this early age!

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be FILLED to the measure of all the FULLNESS OF GOD." 

-Ephesians 3:17-19

Guess who just turned 4 months!

My how my heart just continues to grow more in love with my little one.  I mean really, that smile, her sweet sleeping face, even her mad angry face can bring me joy with such cuteness!

I'm so thankful that we live so close to my family that my girls can see them often.  Mom has been watching them this summer while I work.  What a blessing and such a relief to this anxious heart to know that they are in good hands of the amazing one who raised me.  I think they all greatly enjoy it!

And, oh what sweetness to have my sister, Lauren, so close that we get to see her, too (unlike when Zoe was first born and it was only by Skype).

Shiloh has an amazing ability to put others to sleep when they try to rock her. 

Shiloh has a new game....and it is not one that either of us like to much.  She has discovered how to roll over very easily now... and roll she does.  Almost as soon as I put her down, over she goes.  However, she still not a fan of tummy time, so the fussing is soon to follow.  I turn her back over and she just flips again.  If only she could learn to flip herself back just as easily (she has only done that a couple of times)!  Silly girl, don't you know that your not supposed to do all that for a couple of months... I think she will be a quick mover like her sister. 

Crib time, well sort of.  We tried moving Shiloh into her room at night (she has taken few naps there).  The thought had been so hard for me that I had put it off for a long time.  However, that poor big girl does not fit in the bassinet in our room by any means.  However, it did not go so well.  At midnight, she woke us up screaming....she had flipped over...while still in her snuggy!  Oh my poor child, how you worry my heart so.  I think your going to be back with us for awhile, not that you mind!

Shi and Zo have been doing well with a few little outings this past month. I had a kitchen helper to make up some sweets for our Kickstarter party in the early part of the month.  (You can see the rest of the pics and details here Kickstarter party)

Shi hung in there with the best of them....taking it all in.  

And sharing the love with others!

We, also, got to visit my sweet friend Mandy.  She was my dula and helped deliver both of my girls.  I was nervous about the 40 min drive to her house but both the girls were camps.  Mandy has five girls herself (I'm telling you this women is amazing), so Zoe had a ball being dressed up and doing all things girly (i.e. they showed her how to have a tea party and introduced her to jellybeans).

 

Daddy is such a huge help....I wish I could capture more of his love and dedication to our family!

I'm pretty sure I have a monster baby.  We haven't been back to the doctor to see but when we see other a lot older babies she is just as big if not bigger.  Check out those feet, more to love!

Having girls is pretty great...

Got To Do It All

Let's map it out....make the best plan...make the most of it.  I'm so hardwired in that way.

However, I've been reading a lot about letting things go, in many ways.  Letting go of the dirty floors or the technology and focusing more on the joy and the small things that life and my children can bring.  I want that.  I want to be able to do that. I want that bad.  I look at others that it seems to come so freely too, and wish that that it could be the same for me.  I want to be that for my children, to not get lost up in the to do list and the cleaning.....all the things that really don't matter.  Yet how is it that that is what I seem to naturally focus on?  Even when I constantly remind myself otherwise.

Even before heading out to the zoo during one of their family nights, I tried to let go.  Tried to not do as much as be. Tried to be more present...

So here is to trying....being aware if the first step of change, right?

Three has been so good to me (months that is)

I had to start back to work this month.  Boy does it take sooooo much just to get out the door, the extra milk, breast pump, change of clothes for the girls, diapers, bottles, food...the list just keeps going on!

At first it wasn't to bad....I eased into it for the first month....I can do this.  However, when I got a text from my sitter on the first day asking me if there was a trick to getting Shiloh to eat from a bottle, my heart started racing!  What!  She hadn't eaten all morning, it was almost noon.  My poor baby!  What if she wouldn't take a bottle at all? How fast could I get there?  Is she screaming now?  Am I even going to be able to work? I really did not think the bottle was going to be an issue, since had taken a bottle a couple of times in the past. 

 

My sitter did finally get her to take it, but that was a hard day (although I don't know if it was worse on her or me).  I freaked out even more the following week when, getting everything ready for work, I tried to get Shiloh to take a bottle.  It wasn't successful and I cried and had a melt down for sure.  Feeling like such a bad mom (again)!

Somebody learned how to make bubbles this month!  Let the drooling begin! 

Everyday Zoe asks to do "sizes" (exercises) and what she means is that she wants to watch me workout, play with my equipment and jump on me and under me when I'm in such fun positions such as downward dog.  It helps me to actually do it since it is something she actually likes (it also helps that it is not to long and has some breaks to it!).   I try to time it so that it is right after a feeding where Shiloh is always good at that time and does her own "sizes", as she is excited to be in her bouncy and kicks her legs like crazy!

Shiloh is such a great sleeper at night and it amazes me!  During the day she tends to fight it, at times, like it is the worst thing ever but that is getting better.  However, at night I can just put her down in her bassinet, awake or sleeping.  She may look around and make little noises for quiet sometime but then drifts off to sleep.  What a huge blessing to her momma for this!  Helps with the anxiety for sure!  

She has now, also, found a way to get out of her wrap.  Many mornings I find her with one or more limbs hanging out, that sweet crazy active girl of mine.  She is pretty determined but doesn't seem to mind it either!

If Shiloh is awake when we are out and about I'm always told that she is very alert. And she does always look that way with her bright eyes.  It's as if she wants to take everything in. Thanks to our friends, the Wells, who brought her this T all the way from Italy!

We made a trip to Greenville for mother's day, where we got to see Beach's family.  His uncle and aunt were up from the keys, a special occasion indeed!

Zoe enjoyed much dancing and Jan was a good sport in dancing along.  Zoe got pretty demanding with such towards the end.  What?  You can't actually sit down!

Shiloh got to meet more, new to her family members.  

Old school toys are the best.  Zoe found the blocks that Beach played with as a child.

I can't express how I love these girls!  They are so special to me and make me feel blessed to be called momma!

The ride home was actually nice, as the girls slept (Zoe has never gone a day without a nap and she never sleeps in the car)!  We came home and all piled in my bed for a long nap together (well nap for the parents and then we tucked the girls into bed), as I wanted some more snuggle time with my girls.

Shiloh is getting stronger!  Although she only likes Tummy Time very briefly, it is cute to capture.  

More trips to the zoo.  I love the look of wonder on a child!

Shiloh has moved on from her blow up duck to the big bath tub.  I enjoy these series of pictures, it is as if she is saying...

Oh I like this thing...this is going to be fun!

Wait!  What are you doing with that wash cloth and water!

Never mind!  This is awful!  Who's idea was this???

There are many times when I get very overwhelmed, anxious about the future and just so worn out.  However, when I kiss this sweet little face, which brings smiles and coos, it just seems to all fade away (at least for the moment).  I'm trying to be a lot more present with her, with life in general, in order to help us all!