I took advantage of the kids being in their week of Camp Jam to spend some time doing something that I wouldn't normally be able to do when they were home. Each morning I went out in nature to spend some quiet uninterrupted time with the Lord. Some of the days I was able to go on a prayer walk and even run some.
It was beautiful and hot (which means less people around), and I was humbled just to be able to move my body. You see it hasn't been that long, that long from when I wouldn't have been able to take such a walk. There was a season in my life where most of my time was spent in bed. Even after a long night of rest, at least 10 hours, I would need multiple naps during the day, usually for hours at a time. When I was awake, it was like I was in a fog, my mind never able to fully turn on. The kids would often ask if we could go somewhere but the answer was always, "I can't, momma doesn't feel well.'' When I was needing to go somewhere, like a doctor's appointment or the grocery store, I had to rest up even more the day before and after.
This was such a far cry from my energetic old self. I would recall how I would cram my days for the most productivity and accomplishments. At the gym I would limit myself to two hours (any more I would have to admit I had a problem, and I wanted to behavior management that thought away). I would bounce in cardio classes, high as I can, competing (in my head) to be the one to get the most possible out of each song. Others would often tell me how they wish they had my energy and I would smile, not knowing how to receive such statements and just think in my heart that they could just work harder if they wanted to get more out of it. But it wouldn't be that many more years until I realized that life often just doesn't work that way.
I did all that I could to get better, look for root causes, cut out anything toxic, including so many inflammatory foods. I found many things that were wrong with me: Epstein Bar, leaky gut, tyrod imbalances, perhaps some lyme disease, mold toxicity, SIBO, infected root canal, and the list can go on with things often not fully understood in the mainstream of life. I couldn't explain what was wrong with me, as I fully didn't understand. But I looked normal, if that was in consolation. That was what people would say to me if they learned what was really going on, "Well at least you don't look sick." And yes, I suppose that was good, but it meant that I often suffered in silence. The extreme frustration that I couldn't fix it, muscle my way out of it, try harder, or just do more.
The mom guilt I felt that I couldn't be there for my children the way my heart wanted. Ezra got the brunt of it, as he was home when I struggled the deepest. Thankfully he was a calm child that wanted to obey. So I didn't have to worry as much. He would often just stay by my side when I was in bed, just watching me or driving a little car around, even if I would encourage him to play with his legos or other cars. While he seemed content, I struggled with the guilt and, yet, there was nothing I could do.
Often, at night, I would lie in bed and imagine running again, or even going on a walk. It was the closest I could come to such and I didn't know if that would even be a part of my future. However, what I longed for and KNEW would be, was my heavenly body. One that was not broken and seemed impossible to fix. One that would climb mountains and run on trails, not to try to stay a certain shape, but just for the pure joy and worship of it all.
I didn't give up on getting well here on earth, though (at least not permanently), and took many different avenues to get to wellness over the years. Untimely God used many things to get me to a more functional state. Enough so that I can even run some and enjoy worshiping now through exercise (my favorites are free on on Revelation Wellness). It truly is now as they say, "It is a get to, not a have too." Thank you, Lord, for such a gift.
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