Friday, February 16, 2018

What the point?

Throughout my adolescence I oh so struggled with that question, "Really what is the point in life?" or even the point of trying hard in something or really even getting out of bed for that matter.  My sensitive, melancholy, deep soul that spiraled with depression could not, NOT, wrap my head around it.
Meaningless.  A chasing after the wind.  Even Solomon, the wisest man ever thought so, right?  When is seems like the wind has stopped blowing you wonder what is even the point of chasing anymore.

Fast forward many many years later.....with good friendships, break ups, God's presence, healing, marriage, three kids and I got really good at chasing.  There was so much to chase and not enough time but I attempted to cram as much in as possible. I actually even really enjoyed it!

Life was to busy or two distracted (thanks smart phones) to ask the question much anymore.  Plus with the littles there is much more to live for then just my own breath.
Then, because of my health issues, I felt I couldn't chase anymore, despite the wind that keep whipping all around me.  I felt a sculpture of sorts that kept having things whittled away of from my life.  All sorts of little and big things from friendships and fellowships, from work at Loveland Coffee, from meeting at a Bible Study, to any hobbies and stress relievers gone, to be able to give and help, to aspects of what I identified as my identity and most importantly to being able to take care of my family in countless of ways.  Whittled down with much emotionally protest by me.  I had learned a lot the past few years about just being instead of doing.  Learned a lot....but my lesson wasn't over.  I found that I was waiting waiting for this season just to move on already, surly it had to, instead embracing the now.

So with much forced time in bed the question comes back.  What is the point? purpose in life regardless of what my life looks make disciples (and right now that looks like just my littles) and supporting my husband as much as I can, all while enjoying my Savor, asking him to take me deeper.  Right now most days I can do very little but I can do this.  It's not in the form or way that I would like per se, not my choosing one bit, but I still have this choice, this privilege.  So I've asked the Lord to help me remember this, to keep the point at the forefront of my mind (instead of my circumstances).  So that I can use the little bit of time I do get with them and use it well.  I don't want to waste anymore time chasing after things that do not matter.  Instead I'm just trying to allow Him to move through me!

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The month mostly in bed (January 2018)

Unfortunately this month held more of the same as last month....sickness.  Still recovering from EBV flare ups, fighting a virus and then the flu (I wrote about how much I hated my body here). It made for some pretty sad days (and the shortest monthly review blog ever).  However, there were a few days in the beginning of the month that we were able to do a bit!
Capital City Chiropractic our beloved wellness center for the past (almost) seven years held an ambassador's dinner.  They have such big hearts, minds and plans to change our city for the good!  It was exciting to be in a room full of people (and many friends) who feel the same way and want to give back to such a worthy cause!  Ask me about it and I would love to share!  This was the catalyst that started me on my journey towards true wellness many years ago, and I don't know where I would be without them!
Oh, and the dinner was amazing!
Also, burrrrr, most of this month has been sooo cold!  We do what we can to stay warm around here, including hoodies, caps and heat wraps!
We were even able to get together with some friends!  When we were all feeling well we knew we should take advantage of it (and in hindsight I'm so glad we did).  Enjoyed our time so much that this was the only picture I managed to take!
Also, all the cold really encouraged us (and by us I mean Beach and the kids asking until he did) to build our first fire of the season.  Shiloh loved it so much she cried having to go to bed that night and leave it!
We broke out the game we gave Addy for Christmas....We all had a great time playing it and made many movies (and this one picture).  She ended up liking it, despite crying when we first gave it to her.
The girls have been wanting to try gymnastics again and the day finally came!  Ezra just could not understand, though, why he could not join them!  Unfortunately with their health, this was the only one they could go to this month, but they are excitedly looking forward to the next time!
The Kindergartens had a precious performance at the PTA meeting this month.  Shiloh (top left) was not to into it, but did manage to go and participate!
I love seeing this outside her classroom...looks like someone will meet her goal this year!
Well all that is left is much snuggling under the covers or coach.  When sick they all want even more loving!
  Little Ms. Shiloh loves to twirl twirl her hair.  Something she picked up from her cousin.
 Well all this time in bed with little energy for much but these filters brought a smile to her face, along with a little life! 
Poor Zoe seemed to get hit the hardest with the flu. 
 She still likes to snuggle.  Thankfully Beach has a great immune system so he managed to stay healthy, despite still loving on us all.
I managed to escape the littlest for a brief outing (thank you Beach).  My hair was long overdue to getting done, so I was thankful to be able to make it to the appointment.  It was also an emotional break to be able to get out of the house (even if it didn't last long)!
Well this certainly is not what I was hoping for this month, quite the opposite.  I have been trying to count my thanks, like not having to BE at a job and scramble due to sickness (the way I had to for years) and that I had the grace just to be able to rest in God's grace!  Now that we have caught all the major things that are going around, can we please have a sick break?  Please?

Saturday, January 20, 2018

I Hate My Body

Yet I didn't realize it, not really.  See it changed forms from the past so when I read this article talking about letting go of your health goals, I was taken aback by some of the truths that resonated with me.

In the past there was no doubting it.  Despite my lack of most memories from childhood, I know it started in late elementary school, when I felt like I was different and tried oh so hard to hide it. It progressed in many forms over the years, now I see how it all comes back to control....or at least my attempt at doing so.  In middle school there was a period when I just ate carrots for lunch.  In my head I called them "Dexatrim carrots" as they seemed to take away my appetite (as time went on I learned it was just the depression), as well as some weight.  (For the record this was the only time in my life I have had a loss of appetite - most of the time it is just the opposite.)

In High School I abused my body in countless ways, some to embarrassing to even write.  There was the brief cutting and burning, each match sizzling a piece of my skin and broken heart.  When I physically could not make myself throw-up I turned to exercise.  It is more acceptable after all.  I didn't think anything of running 5 miles on the track and then coming home to an hour of Jane Fonda workout tape.  The more the better, right?  I had no idea that exercise bulimia was even a thing.  In college, to try to reel it in a bit, I would limit myself to just 2 hours at the gym.  I have no idea why that "magic" number but in my head more than that would not be "healthy"and I needed to get control of my attempts at controlling the body that I loathed.  So two hours of penitence for as many days as I could make it work every week.  Sometimes it meant the 11pm run I had to go on, the guilt of not exercising for the day to strong.  Run or you will get fat (or am to fat).  The hate.  I don't even really like running.  There were times when it was all consuming in my thoughts, no matter how I wished and was ashamed that they were there, as really what does it even mean to eternity!
These memories, though, are so distant now.  It's like they are from a chapter of someone else's book in life, not my story.  

So when I realized I still hated my body, just in a totally different way....Usually now this looks like the anger I have towards it when yet again I'm down and it's hard to move because of my health.  When I physically just need to stay in bed, yet again.  Now that I actually want to work out, I'm lucky to be able to take a shower without needing to rest afterwords. And I get angry.  Why can't I control this body?  Control.  I can't, as hard as I try to do all the right things.  I have no ability to predict or know if I'm going to be functional during any given day.  Lately it has been less and less days.  I want to be able to parent, to support Beach to be more of who I am...yet I have no control and I hate my body.  (In having Beach read over this blog post for me, he thought hate was to strong of a word.  Maybe it is, or maybe it's just right...I'm not totally sure.) This hate seems to spill out to those around me that I love the most.

So realizing it is the first step, right?  Don't ask me how to move forward.  I have been trying hard to listen to my body, to nurture it, take care of it.  BUT the underlying reason for that is so that I can control it to do what I want.  I'm going through the motions of care but the love is not there.  It's so conditional and the anger keeps coming.
So I don't have all the wisdom to move on.  I do know that one day I will get a new body, one that is fully functional and without pain.  Until then I want my time on this spinning sphere to be filled with love, not hate.  So that is my prayer.  I know the one who loves me and can heal me by speaking a word, and while I pray that He will, I also pray that he will continue to teach me in this season.  More love Lord, help me to love.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Loving the Grands (not so much the cold)

Beach's parents came down from Michigan for their winter visit a couple days after Christmas but we still waited to do a little more celebration with them!
Grandma is always very excited about shopping money!
The kids, likewise, were pretty excited about their gifts as well!
Ezra was beyond thrilled with his new train track!
The Grands brought the cold with them this year, so we mostly stayed inside.  There was fun to be had with science experiments.
The mommas got to go out and do some shopping (a treat that only seems to happen for me when they are here) and then had an awesome lunch!
While we were out I get this text...
 Looks like Grandpa took everyone out for hotdogs!
Later that night it was off to Lauren and William's house, for the first time, for their belated Christmas Party.
There were some fun games...
like drawing a picture on your head.
And guess who won, thanks to my many tree decorations.
A white elephant game...
lead to a lot of laughs.  Zoe was pumped that she got to steal the singing pooping reindeer!
Saturday the library held the New Years Eve celebration!
The kids made noise makers...
some took it more series than others.
Zoe made hers look like a purse.
The library did an amazing job in filling up 400 balloons again!
Of course there needs to be a story time!
Then after the countdown some fun chaos.
Partying like it is 2018.
I got one nice picture...
with a series of crazy (I included just a couple).
Beach was thrilled!
I wanted to take advantage of the one day that was a bit warmer, in the 50s...
So we headed downtown to the river for a picnic and walk.

It was warm enough when we got going and oh so pretty.
Ezra didn't mind his head being used as a hand rest.
So thankful for some time outside!!!
Little Man got a bit worn out coming back but was happy to catch a ride!
After dinner at my parents we had a pretty low key New Years with a Netflix count down and sparkling juice at home!
The once a year sparkle treat did not disappoint!
Love my crew!  We could not get them to stop and look they were so excited!
The boys worked almost all of one day putting in a new water filter.  Thankful for the time and effort to get it done! (The mommas may or may not have gone shopping again.)
The rest of us enjoyed some games!
Then it was off to our traditional Mexican date.
We were by the windows and it was so cold out that it left us a bit chilly ourselves.  Zoe borrowed Grandmas jacket and scarf after dinner.
Ezra found other ways to get warm.
Squinty eye look or pushed back hat....I couldn't decide what I like more!
Proof that Shiloh was with us...but she would only make silly faces with my phone.
Of course the visit would not be complete without cookie making time!
This occasion they decorated "ugly sweaters" but still pretty confused on the concept.
However, there was no confusion when he came down to how they looked and tasted!
One last YouTube race car video for the boys!
 Another wonderful trip in the bring back the warmth!