Saturday, January 20, 2018

I Hate My Body

Yet I didn't realize it, not really.  See it changed forms from the past so when I read this article talking about letting go of your health goals, I was taken aback by some of the truths that resonated with me.

In the past there was no doubting it.  Despite my lack of most memories from childhood, I know it started in late elementary school, when I felt like I was different and tried oh so hard to hide it. It progressed in many forms over the years, now I see how it all comes back to control....or at least my attempt at doing so.  In middle school there was a period when I just ate carrots for lunch.  In my head I called them "Dexatrim carrots" as they seemed to take away my appetite (as time went on I learned it was just the depression), as well as some weight.  (For the record this was the only time in my life I have had a loss of appetite - most of the time it is just the opposite.)

In High School I abused my body in countless ways, some to embarrassing to even write.  There was the brief cutting and burning, each match sizzling a piece of my skin and broken heart.  When I physically could not make myself throw-up I turned to exercise.  It is more acceptable after all.  I didn't think anything of running 5 miles on the track and then coming home to an hour of Jane Fonda workout tape.  The more the better, right?  I had no idea that exercise bulimia was even a thing.  In college, to try to reel it in a bit, I would limit myself to just 2 hours at the gym.  I have no idea why that "magic" number but in my head more than that would not be "healthy"and I needed to get control of my attempts at controlling the body that I loathed.  So two hours of penitence for as many days as I could make it work every week.  Sometimes it meant the 11pm run I had to go on, the guilt of not exercising for the day to strong.  Run or you will get fat (or am to fat).  The hate.  I don't even really like running.  There were times when it was all consuming in my thoughts, no matter how I wished and was ashamed that they were there, as really what does it even mean to eternity!
These memories, though, are so distant now.  It's like they are from a chapter of someone else's book in life, not my story.  

So when I realized I still hated my body, just in a totally different way....Usually now this looks like the anger I have towards it when yet again I'm down and it's hard to move because of my health.  When I physically just need to stay in bed, yet again.  Now that I actually want to work out, I'm lucky to be able to take a shower without needing to rest afterwords. And I get angry.  Why can't I control this body?  Control.  I can't, as hard as I try to do all the right things.  I have no ability to predict or know if I'm going to be functional during any given day.  Lately it has been less and less days.  I want to be able to parent, to support Beach to be more of who I am...yet I have no control and I hate my body.  (In having Beach read over this blog post for me, he thought hate was to strong of a word.  Maybe it is, or maybe it's just right...I'm not totally sure.) This hate seems to spill out to those around me that I love the most.

So realizing it is the first step, right?  Don't ask me how to move forward.  I have been trying hard to listen to my body, to nurture it, take care of it.  BUT the underlying reason for that is so that I can control it to do what I want.  I'm going through the motions of care but the love is not there.  It's so conditional and the anger keeps coming.
So I don't have all the wisdom to move on.  I do know that one day I will get a new body, one that is fully functional and without pain.  Until then I want my time on this spinning sphere to be filled with love, not hate.  So that is my prayer.  I know the one who loves me and can heal me by speaking a word, and while I pray that He will, I also pray that he will continue to teach me in this season.  More love Lord, help me to love.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Loving the Grands (not so much the cold)

Beach's parents came down from Michigan for their winter visit a couple days after Christmas but we still waited to do a little more celebration with them!
Grandma is always very excited about shopping money!
The kids, likewise, were pretty excited about their gifts as well!
Ezra was beyond thrilled with his new train track!
The Grands brought the cold with them this year, so we mostly stayed inside.  There was fun to be had with science experiments.
The mommas got to go out and do some shopping (a treat that only seems to happen for me when they are here) and then had an awesome lunch!
While we were out I get this text...
 Looks like Grandpa took everyone out for hotdogs!
Later that night it was off to Lauren and William's house, for the first time, for their belated Christmas Party.
There were some fun games...
like drawing a picture on your head.
And guess who won, thanks to my many tree decorations.
A white elephant game...
lead to a lot of laughs.  Zoe was pumped that she got to steal the singing pooping reindeer!
Saturday the library held the New Years Eve celebration!
The kids made noise makers...
some took it more series than others.
Zoe made hers look like a purse.
The library did an amazing job in filling up 400 balloons again!
Of course there needs to be a story time!
Then after the countdown some fun chaos.
Partying like it is 2018.
I got one nice picture...
with a series of crazy (I included just a couple).
Beach was thrilled!
I wanted to take advantage of the one day that was a bit warmer, in the 50s...
So we headed downtown to the river for a picnic and walk.

It was warm enough when we got going and oh so pretty.
Ezra didn't mind his head being used as a hand rest.
So thankful for some time outside!!!
Little Man got a bit worn out coming back but was happy to catch a ride!
After dinner at my parents we had a pretty low key New Years with a Netflix count down and sparkling juice at home!
The once a year sparkle treat did not disappoint!
Love my crew!  We could not get them to stop and look they were so excited!
The boys worked almost all of one day putting in a new water filter.  Thankful for the time and effort to get it done! (The mommas may or may not have gone shopping again.)
The rest of us enjoyed some games!
Then it was off to our traditional Mexican date.
We were by the windows and it was so cold out that it left us a bit chilly ourselves.  Zoe borrowed Grandmas jacket and scarf after dinner.
Ezra found other ways to get warm.
Squinty eye look or pushed back hat....I couldn't decide what I like more!
Proof that Shiloh was with us...but she would only make silly faces with my phone.
Of course the visit would not be complete without cookie making time!
This occasion they decorated "ugly sweaters" but still pretty confused on the concept.
However, there was no confusion when he came down to how they looked and tasted!
One last YouTube race car video for the boys!
 Another wonderful trip in the bring back the warmth!