It's been while since I have referenced what is going on physically for me. Partly because in many ways I have been pretty overwhelmed, worn out and just trying to get through the day. I admit this is "not my favorite" (a term that a stole from my sister instead of complaining) way of living and I have done many internal tantrums.
It's weird these issues, every now and then I have a good day (or good few hours). There was a time I even had a good couple of weeks, and I was ecstatic with how different things were. I was able to cash in the gym membership I had won (complete with hydro massage, sauna and childcare), was calmer and just felt more Me. Life was promising and full of hope! I had to pace myself but tried my best to do so.
Then just like that, I woke up one morning, a Monday of all days, and it was gone. The cloud of darkness, heaviness, fog was back. That along with my inability to stay awake and needing 2-3 naps a day. I just didn't get it. Things had been going so well and the rug was pulled out from under me, again. It was almost harder emotionally, in a way, for I had so much hope that things were getting better, I was getting my life back. I was able to use my planner, knowing that I could actual plan, knowing my body wouldn't betray me but quickly learned that was futile.
I returned to my bed (over and over again), repeatedly reminding myself that it was what my body needed, REST, to heal (the reminder was constantly needed to my stubborn heart). I'm still not a good rester. What I'm trying to be, though, is a good listener. "Be still (got that part) and know that I am God." I wanted to know more, hear more, pray more, be more connected to my creator! He is always there but my "normal" default mode is being to busy to listen.
And He is teaching me, of course He is. Teaching me more about His Character, His faithfulness, how He is my righteousness (for I literally can earn nothing, oh this humble state). More about my role in life and what I value (and how much I really struggle with feeling valueless when I'm in such a state...where does my identity truly lie). More about his provision, thank you Lord for taking care of me, our family and our business.
In some ways I want to learn everything already so we can move on....sigh (my flesh craves "self-sufficientcy"- or at least the illusion of such). I have no idea what that would look like or how long it would actually take....days, weeks, months, years....I have no idea (but am trying new things and holding on to the hope- most of the time). All the while, I think about the diseases that usually don't have a "moving on"...life looks a whole lot different for the people with such. How would I be able to handle that? Oh, but the Grace of God.
So for now I wait in expectantly with a listening heart (you can pray that I continue to fight off the lies of the evil one that continues to come against my lonely weak state). A time when there are many snuggles (thankful that all my littles are huge fans of such) and on a "good day" maybe even a bit more.