I don't know how they do it, those mamma's that loose their little ones. I just don't know, at least without the Lord. My whole being believes in the Lord's sovereignty, His grace, His mercy, His love but I also know that means that doesn't always get you what you want, even when it means keeping the ones you love most.
Zoe has had this growth under her chin for awhile, how long I can't be sure but I do know it has been months. You probably wouldn't notice it, as it is tucked under her neck right where it reaches her chin. "It's just part of her Adam's apple," I told Beach when he brought up his concern. Surely it couldn't be anything out of the ordinary (even though it looked like it). I hadn't the energy or the heart to think anything other, at the time.
This week, though, Beach asked our chiro about it....it wasn't her Adam's apple, it wasn't supposed to be there. As Beach explained this over dinner to me he mentioned about getting Zoe's white blood cells checked. Zoe wasn't really aware of what we were talking about, and in her usual sweet spirit, Zoe wanted to hug me several times throughout dinner. Her love just overflows that she much rather express it then finish her meal. "I'm so glad your my mommy! I want to keep you forever!" I just held on to that hug...My heart sunk, as all I could think about was cancer and I couldn't stop the tears. Zoe has such a sweet tender spirit, more so than any child I know and I just want to keep her forever! But there is no forever this side of heaven. She speaks of it often, our forever home, who is there, what it is like and what we will find. As much as I love talking to her about Heaven, I don't want to think of her there yet. My devotion that morning: about how we will have trouble in this world.
Beach was crushed that night after we put the girls to bed. But I didn't want to go down that road, that "what if" road to heartbreak. I couldn't and I would need to live in the place of denial for now. When the lights were finally off for that night, though, our pillows where wet with tears. To the doctor I would go to start the process of looking into it.
I was thankful to get her an appointment the following day. Although she cried when I picked her up from school, as she did not want to miss anything. The doctor recommended an ultrasound to get a better look, she didn't believe it to be a lymphoid but it was very hard to be a cyst. So that sounded like somewhat better news, right? She was, also, concerned that she had not gained any weight in a year.
On our way out she wanted to play on the "playground" statue like thing. She asked what the chapel was that was near by and I attempted to explain it. Zoe then asked if she could go in and pray to Jesus. Of course we did and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with thanks for so many things. My heart, at the same time, ached for those that don't have the same hope. I thought of the countless prayers that had been lifted in that room for the pleading of precious children.