Saturday, January 31, 2015

The lump in her neck that made a lump in my heart

I don't know how they do it, those mamma's that loose their little ones.  I just don't know, at least without the Lord.  My whole being believes in the Lord's sovereignty, His grace, His mercy, His love but I also know that means that doesn't always get you what you want, even when it means keeping the ones you love most.

Zoe has had this growth under her chin for awhile, how long I can't be sure but I do know it has been months. You probably wouldn't notice it, as it is tucked under her neck right where it reaches her chin.  "It's just part of her Adam's apple," I told Beach when he brought up his concern.  Surely it couldn't be anything out of the ordinary (even though it looked like it).  I hadn't the energy or the heart to think anything other, at the time.  

This week, though, Beach asked our chiro about wasn't her Adam's apple, it wasn't supposed to be there.  As Beach explained this over dinner to me he mentioned about getting Zoe's white blood cells checked.  Zoe wasn't really aware of what we were talking about, and in her usual sweet spirit, Zoe wanted to hug me several times throughout dinner.  Her love just overflows that she much rather express it then finish her meal.  "I'm so glad your my mommy!  I want to keep you forever!"  I just held on to that hug...My heart sunk, as all I could think about was cancer and I couldn't stop the tears. Zoe has such a sweet tender spirit, more so than any child I know and I just want to keep her forever!  But there is no forever this side of heaven. She speaks of it often, our forever home, who is there, what it is like and what we will find.  As much as I love talking to her about Heaven, I don't want to think of her there yet. My devotion that morning: about how we will have trouble in this world.

Beach was crushed that night after we put the girls to bed. But I didn't want to go down that road, that "what if" road to heartbreak.  I couldn't and I would need to live in the place of denial for now.  When the lights were finally off for that night, though, our pillows where wet with tears. To the doctor I would go to start the process of looking into it. 
I was thankful to get her an appointment the following day.  Although she cried when I picked her up from school, as she did not want to miss anything.  The doctor recommended an ultrasound to get a better look, she didn't believe it to be a lymphoid but it was very hard to be a cyst.  So that sounded like somewhat better news, right?  She was, also, concerned that she had not gained any weight in a year.  
I had to wait for them to call me the next day to schedule the appointment and my heart sunk when she told me it would have to be done at the children's hospital (and not down the street as I had thought).  For some reason, that felt so different to me, that is where sick children have to go, it felt like more than just getting another picture of her throat, silly I know. But isn't it interesting how a little change in perspective can affect a heart.
The next morning I felt lead to call on the body of Christ for prayer, for her and for our families thoughts.  Although I prefer to pretend this wasn't happening, my gut felt differently and it was scared of the what ifs.  As I heard praise and worship through the computer speakers that morning, feeding my soul, I would also hear a ping letting me know that I had a message.  A message that represented a prayer from those that saw my facebook post that morning.  I couldn't help but feel His loving arms around me and His body coming together over us.  So humbled, which brought more tears than I could help. 
They were gracious at the hospital and Zoe didn't mind to much, other than hating the bracelet she had to wear and not seeming to be able to get the water fountain working.  I want to try to stay strong for her, didn't want to alert her to the under workings of my heart.  They were kind, complementary of Zoe but her tired self did not seem to notice. She did so well in getting the ultrasound done.  The tech had the radiologist look at it and came back to give me the name, thyroglossal duct cyst, she rattled off before she dismissed us, noting that she did not know if it would need to be removed.  Well that sounded better than a tumor to me!  We would just have to wait now for our doctor to call us for the next steps.
On our way out she wanted to play on the "playground" statue like thing.  She asked what the chapel was that was near by and I attempted to explain it.  Zoe then asked if she could go in and pray to Jesus.  Of course we did and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with thanks for so many things. My heart, at the same time, ached for those that don't have the same hope.  I thought of the countless prayers that had been lifted in that room for the pleading of precious children.
The next morning in my time with the Lord, it was speaking on anxiety and this was one of the verses that I read.  Amazing how the our Abba speaks strait to our hearts at times.  Although I'm not ever certain what the future may hold, I'm so comforted!  For His Word, for the body and so many that prayed for us and His love that covers all.

1 comment:

  1. My thoughts and prayers are with your daughter as you wait for your doctor's advice. May Christ hold you all in His eternal love, heal what can be healed and give His strength in answer to your Faith in HIm.