Saturday, August 19, 2017

Come Lord Jesus

Life seems to get harder the more aware of it you become, or at least that is my story.  I listened to the stories hundreds of women (and a few men) in my 10 years as a therapist, their abuse, rape, incests (usually by "trusted" family members), kidnappings, loss, depression, hurt and even murder.  Their coping mechanisms often made them hard to love, but I did.  It made them hard to see as having worth to "society", but I did.  My heart broke, until it learned to somehow build a wall around it so I could be there, fully there, the next time we meet, and not lost in grief.  It's how I deal, my coping, my wall.
Getting closer to middle life and my FB wall is filled less and less of marriages and fewer babies being born (although they are there occasionally and if often cause that ache in my arms to hold my baby again).  People don't often post the personal hardships, the divorces, the affairs, the abuse, the story that truly could be a Date Line Special Report.  Yet we have shared in the pain of that of our dear friends.  This was not how I expected the story to go.
I never understood how the Holocaust could come to be.  How is there possibly that much hate, how?  I feel I can often view things objectionably, usually there are two sides.  But Germany, I can't wrap my mind around it, and this, our own country.  The hatred by so many, and to make it known (the KKK mask are gone, the evil still prevails), to want to create a movement.  I'm dumbfounded, yet it is here.  
My walled heart can only let so much in, for I fear it crumbling.  However, it is not lost on me that I have that privilege, that WHITE PRIVILEGE, for others don't just get to look away!  With privilege should come responsibility.  I'm in shock, in a way, not knowing what to do really. How can I, one that is home raising littles, do much of anything, make any sort of impact on the devastation.  I can't imagine a trivial FB post would make any difference in this fight.  I don't know.  I do know that I HATE the hate, that JESUS is LOVE and the opposite of this.  I do know that I can raise my own tribe to be different, to stand up and reach out.  I do know I can pray, and I plead, "Come Lord Jesus Come!"

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Emotional Ramblings About Another New Stage

They say don't blink, yet somehow all my blinking has turned to tears lately when I think about our new phase in life.  My baby is three and my mini-me is seven and my heart is hurting.  Don't get me wrong....I feel so blessed to have them at this age. They are so much more self-sufficient and thoughtful.  Like how Zoe wanted to "surprise" me this morning and make me breakfast (she couldn't stand it though and talked to me about it the night before).  They are truly amazing kids.
But I miss them being the littlest of littles, too.  The girls decided to go through their dress up clothes in order to donate and raise money for those that had not.  Through tears, I folded up a little pink princess dress that in its day was worn daily, as I realized that yes, they no longer dressed up as they use too.  That dress that seemed once so huge, that I thought surly must still fit, yet looking at the size I realized that it was in fact three sizes to small and I wondered how did we get here?

I love how my little three year still says some things not so clearly, that I can entertain him to no end with a silly voice acting through his stuffed "Koalie" animal.  I'm no fool to think that will not end someday in the to near future.  When things get harder and deeper and much of the silliness isn't so easily found.
 Perhaps all of this is compounded by the start of school in a couple of short weeks.  I will have two off from under my wing. When I sent my first little off to school I was working and had two other babes at home.  It was hard but yet life was so crazy it seemed to pass without to much heartache.  But now...I love having them home. 
I also realize that some of my sadness comes from a changing of a roll that I have worked so hard on for over seven years.  Being a constant caretaker without any space, many years working as well, was very hard to adjust too.  By God's grace I did, and it was my life, and a life I loved (overall).  These days I'm not needed as much anymore and there are times when I'm cleaning or cooking that the kids are off playing happily or busy in a book.  While most of the time I appreciate a moment to breath and focus, I realize that these times are all to often.  And I've stopped and thought that it is done, the phase of dependence for everything or the constant being needed, that is done... and I'm undone.  It is like a piece of my heart is gone with the death of a phase I worked so hard at and loved so deeply.  

While I know they are still little in so many ways I know how fast this has gone and how faster it will continue to go.  And I thank the Lord for his Grace, for yet again I come needing more, needing more of Him to fill me.
PS....some of that grace was found in my girls wanting to "help" me paint.  Since we were just doing our garage, I thought it wouldn't hurt.  Despite the heat and content sweat that poured out of us, they hung  in there with me for over an hour.  It was a sweet time as I sang worship music and we were able to work together as we were in this new phase.