Monday, September 30, 2013

The problem with not needing help when you really do.

I hate needing, feeling helpless, dependent.  I must rather suck it up and just get it done myself.  Push through.  Work harder.  (Of course this does not count my amazingly supportive husband.  I seem to have no problem asking him.)  
This season, though, the one where my body is forming life, this season, I've been spent.  Wiped.  Down.  Day after day.  It doesn't matter how much rest I try to get, I wake up and still feel run over by a truck most days. I just can't seem to push through. I don't want to move.  As my arms turn to flub (and the rest of my body for that matter), my many emails and responsibilities go unanswered and my children get just the bare basics (sometimes with a not so nice tone or with me passed out again on the sofa, hopeful they don't injure themselves). 

I hate asking for help, especially when those closest to you turn you down.  When you feel like you (and your husband that works mighty too hard for our family and others) are on your last leg and others don't want to do anything that may inconvenience them.  I pretend that it doesn't pierce my soul.  That I'm not shocked.  And I try not to ask again.  Don't want to be rejected. 

But then it begs to be asked: How many times do I offer to help others when it's an inconvenience to me?  Sure they may not have asked....but does it matter....does it really mean that they don't need something!  Most of the time I just pushing through my own stuff that I don't even see it.  But I need to see it.  I need to help.  Lord, help me see.  Help me to want to help.  Help me not to be afraid about how it will make my own life harder.  Help me to see how doing what you have called me to is The Most IMPORTANT thing.  And, please, give me the strength to do it...especially at this time.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Friday the 13th (otherwise known as my birthday)

I have had major issues about birthdays since my youth.  But since BIRTHing children myself, I've tried to approach things differently.  Today I planned to not have pressure for anything.  To just enjoy my time with my girls and then with my family.  Mission accomplished.  I had a great one and feel well loved. Having low expectations sure is nice.
Back in the day I was spoiled with Beach making me breakfast every morning.  Since the coffee business rolled around, though, that just isn't doable.  But today he woke up extra early just to whip up one of his masterpieces for me!
I haven't wanted coffee since being pregnant (I know, a good thing).  But it means I can't take advantage of the best perk of our business and something I used to really treasure.  However, this day I decided a little caffeine in the form of a pumpkin spiced latte would be an exception.  
I was fully awake for the afternoon and actually felt more like my old self, a treat within itself.  It's the little things!
 If you know me, you know that I'm a sucker for a good deal.  So the girls and I hit up Firehouse Subs for my free sandwich and took it to Irmo park.  How cute is it that they, also, giveaway these hats too.  (I may have hit up another Firehouse later in the day to save for lunch for tomorrow ;-)
I love their expressions.

And the joy that they have for one another.  We have talked about how Shiloh is Zoe's BFF since she has been born.  A few days ago she listed many of her friends and at the end she noted that Shiloh was her best friend, her BFF.  May it always be girls!  One reason I love that they are only a couple of years apart.  They truly do get along well most of the time.
Later that night my mom made us a fabulous dinner, full of cheesy goodness - which this preggo craves - and topped off with a pumpkin cheesecake. What else could there be to wish for with a heart so full.
May I never forget the blessing I have in my family and to cherish them the way that they deserve.  Here is to another great full year!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Another baby Loveland - 3 months down!

We have always wanted more children, and as I see it, I thought we should just go ahead and have them when we can since I'm not getting any younger!  I don't want to be in my 40's having children, that's fine if others do, but just doesn't feel like a good fit.  However, with nursing, it prolongs things (as in ovulation).  I can't say that I mind to much as the thought of having littles so close together is somewhat intimidating to me.  I'm not sure how others handle it but perhaps their children aren't as high maintenance as mine?
So baby #3 is on his/her way to debut in mid March.  Our second shot and there it was.  Confession: I have kept taking pregnancy tests for a few months now, just because I couldn't believe I had a 14 month old and I had yet to get my period (sorry if that is TMI for ya).  I decided to take another test before the girls and I left for Florida mid July, as it was a possibility.  I had been let down before and I thought that this was not any different.  Yet after a couple of minutes, things began to change.  The other line appeared.  It was faint, though, which threw me off.  When I tried to explain it to Beach, he was excited but yet also confused.  Perhaps I shouldn't have said, "I think I'm sorta pregnant." How can you be sorta pregnant?  But in that I know you cannot have a false positive, this just had to be it!  It just must be early on in the process.  So it took a bit to sink in for the both of us.

It was fun to be able to share the news with my family in Florida in person.  And my aunt even had the wisdom to have me video record telling my Grammy, something I will always cherish!
Towards the end of our week long trip it had really sunk in.  I started feeling pretty weak and faintish.  A couple weeks later, in came the nausea and major fatigue.  I remember feeling really sick with the girls (all day) but this achy, weak, flu like symptoms, this was new.  And I hated it.  It seems like during this phase of things I want to turn back.  I ask myself what I was thinking?  Is this really worth it? (I mean I know it is but to feel sick all the hard.)  I realized that I was also struggling with some depression, in a different form than in the past.  I wasn't as much sad, as I had no motivation and really didn't want to get out of bed.  I had to work and take care of the girls, which as hard as it was, was probably a really good thing!  Although much of my time is me finding ways to occupy them while I lay down (talk about mom guilt).
So, I've been off coffee now for a few weeks.  Not so much because that would be best for me and the baby, but because it has repulsed me.  Great, the best perk to owning a coffee drive through and I want nothing to do with it.  :-)

So this time, after practically having Shiloh at home/car/in the triage room at the hospital, we decided to have a home birth.  I NEVER thought I would do this before, but I've come a long way in a couple of years.  When my chiropractor shared how she really loved her mid-wife and her process, I was sold.  And I have loved the mid-wife so far.  The whole process is so different and more comfortable.  She spends a ton of time with us at our house.  When I hadn't even met her yet and was having an issue, she was quick to call me back to talk about it and brainstorm some solutions at length.  So much better than just telling me to rest and/or giving me some meds (that I wouldn't want to take).

A hard part is, though, that we had yet to hear a heart beat on the Doppler (Usually if you go into to see a Dr. they can see it on the ultrasound - we saw such at 6 weeks with the girls).  Normal, but hearing it is so so reassuring.  When I was almost 13 weeks she came and still couldn't find it.  My heart sunk but I tried to assure myself that it would just happen soon.  However, after poking around some more, there it was, the little Loveland.  It brought tears to my eyes (which surprised me) but it was such a relief.  I KNEW I was pregnant but such a comfort. 
I'm looking forward to things turning around now that I made it to the second trimester!  I hate wishing the days away, as I find myself doing when in such a dark and depressing state. Beach, as well, can't wait for happier days, as he has done so much for me and is always willing and wanting me to rest.  Man, I'm blessed by him.  He says he can't wait till I feel better because he misses my smile.  It's coming, it's coming!