Monday, September 30, 2013

The problem with not needing help when you really do.

I hate needing, feeling helpless, dependent.  I must rather suck it up and just get it done myself.  Push through.  Work harder.  (Of course this does not count my amazingly supportive husband.  I seem to have no problem asking him.)  
This season, though, the one where my body is forming life, this season, I've been spent.  Wiped.  Down.  Day after day.  It doesn't matter how much rest I try to get, I wake up and still feel run over by a truck most days. I just can't seem to push through. I don't want to move.  As my arms turn to flub (and the rest of my body for that matter), my many emails and responsibilities go unanswered and my children get just the bare basics (sometimes with a not so nice tone or with me passed out again on the sofa, hopeful they don't injure themselves). 

I hate asking for help, especially when those closest to you turn you down.  When you feel like you (and your husband that works mighty too hard for our family and others) are on your last leg and others don't want to do anything that may inconvenience them.  I pretend that it doesn't pierce my soul.  That I'm not shocked.  And I try not to ask again.  Don't want to be rejected. 

But then it begs to be asked: How many times do I offer to help others when it's an inconvenience to me?  Sure they may not have asked....but does it matter....does it really mean that they don't need something!  Most of the time I just pushing through my own stuff that I don't even see it.  But I need to see it.  I need to help.  Lord, help me see.  Help me to want to help.  Help me not to be afraid about how it will make my own life harder.  Help me to see how doing what you have called me to is The Most IMPORTANT thing.  And, please, give me the strength to do it...especially at this time.

1 comment:

  1. Jessica, thank you for your honesty- it is a challenge to me to cry out to God for a changed heart to look beyond ME. I love you and I'm praying for you- you are an amazing woman because you have an AMAZING God in you! 2 Peter 1:2-4- praying this for you.