I'm a doer. I want to help. I don't like sitting on the sidelines watching things go by. I don't like to be the one to need help, especially when there are so many other needs, HUGE needs out there. Our city was hit by so much flooding this past week. BUT God...
I've been really struggling physically (which spills over into emotions) lately. Fighting a cold and fatigue, finding I'm allergic to most foods I've been eating, my body is so weak and I feel so vulnerable. And I HATE it. It's hard for me to take care of my kids, at least the way that they need too, which results in more mommy guilt. I have been trying to figure out what to do to get better, but one major thing, to REST, is so hard and distant. Resting with three littles seems impossible, especially when the baby is often still not sleeping through the night.
There is all this devastation, though, houses and hearts destroyed. It's so close, right in our neighborhood. We are so blessed that our house and business were not affected by the floods, our livelihood could have easily washed away as well. My heart wants to go help and do, the way so many of Columbia have. The Facebook posts of needs seem to go on endlessly and my eyes cannot look away.
My mom took the kids today, so I could rest (and I hoped I would feel well enough so I could do). I often don't listen to my body, hence part of my issue, its been so long, surely today I would be better. Where to get to work?....I wanted to listen to the spirit. Yet, the Lord keep telling me to seek Him first, to be still with Him and to pray. My controlling temperament came up so strong....no, no, no, Lord, just fix me, strengthen me so I can go, so I can't move. I want to look into the eyes of the hurting, to be present with them. I want to physically try to make their situation better. I know there are other people in similar situations as I am, whether it is physically or just a momma having to stay home with her kiddos. WE WANT TO DO MORE than we seem to be able to right now.
"But the Lord answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41,42
This is such a hard passage for me to embrace, especially when there is so much to be done. Be still and bask in My grace and love for you and pray. Pray for the needs you see on your Facebook. Pray for wisdom, discernment, for clarity, for safety, for health, for eyes to open, for people to look beyond themselves, for love, for His mercy and grace. He can and will do so much more through all this than I can ever hope for.
So I did something that I had never even thought of before; I went through the status updates and prayed for them individual and the people and needs that they stood for. I could not be there, in person, to help...but God could.
I want to say that I had complete peace about it. But the truth is I still wanted to cry shortly after when my body continued to feel so weak. I prayed for them right, can't I go and just do something now?.....I suppose God is still working out all my Martha's desires. There are so many needs that this will not be solved in a week. I know there will be so many more opportunities for me to serve. Right now, whether I like it or not, I'm called to pray and pray without ceasing. Lord mold me, use me as you desire! No matter what your situation...Will you join me and pray for our state?