Benched Again

"Put me in coach!"  Put me in....into this game of life, into being able to be there more for my kids, into being able to support my husband the way he would like too, into being able to do and serve and just be with others.  But here I am benched again.  I hate watching from the sidelines.  I hate that the quality times that I have with my kids often involve them having to serve me or snuggle in bed with me.

You may not know it, because I hate it, and don't want to walk around walling in it. Plus on the "good" days I need to take it all in and need to get much done.  Or maybe you have caught me on a vulnerable day where I will express my frustration about being sooo healthy yet very sick.  It's part of the reason I had to quite my job almost three years ago (and so glad I did); why I'm not able to help and volunteer more, as who knows what my body will be doing on that day; why I haven't been able to help more with the business, although my heart desires to do so.

This year I have gotten more information about what's going on with my body: thyroid, SIBO and Chronic Epstein-Barr (think mono).  With it way to many supplements and a medication then I would like.  These are the results of genetics, sucking it up and pushing through, our toxic world, years of eating unhealthily and a childhood illness.  I've worked hard to do all that I know to do to help my body heal, to listen to and nurture it.  I'm still trying to learn more, to not lose hope.  However, I admit on those days that I just can't seem to get out of bed, again, it can feel pretty hopeless. 

One thing that it causes me to have to face over and over again, is how my mind has a "do"mentality.  I want to be able to do things, to work, to help, to move, to have purpose!  However, my body is in this "be" state, for it is all that it can do; just "being" has never been easy for me.  So there is this great conflict in my mind fighting over doing vs. being.  I KNOW that we need both in our lives, God does not call us to work for his love, but man do I forget!

I aware that I'm not alone on this (the diagnoses and symptoms may look different but often the same result).  In this fallen world the numbers will only continue to grow. More people to watch from the sidelines and how I understand this view even more.  However, I'm far from stopping the pleading,  I'm ready to play,"Put me in coach!" Would you come to the Father on my behalf as well?