Enough

 There is a big part of me that enjoys a New Year, a fresh start, when all the Christmas decor gets put away and everything feels reset.  I have a desire to repot, upkeep my plants, and bust out a new planner to start filling out all the blank spaces. I don't set resolutions, I think I do that to much on the regular and honestly don't love goals (my body still doesn't feel dependable enough to be able to follow through the way my mind would want to).  However, what I have enjoyed most years is having a word of intention. 

The Lord typically leads me to what he wants to show me in my current season.  In the past words like joy/celebrate (during an especially hard physical seasons - find the good),  Bloom, and Shine.  This year I went on a walk with Him, and He was quick to bring up what this years focus would be: "Enough" and then proceed to unpack for me all the different areas in my life that this effects.

I am an Enneagram One, a Perfectionist/Improver, Type A Personality, who's natural bent is to look at everything in how to make it better.  While there are many advantages to such, it is an exhausting and stressful way to view the world. When is something ever enough?  When is my "to do lists" (that is usually packed with to many things that is humanly possible to do in a day) complete?  When is everything perfectly clean in the house (when does that ever happen)?....

 When all the family is getting along and I have perfectly balanced out my day between work, making sure all my family's' emotion buckets and physical needs are filled (I have one child that would say at bed time that she never has enough), when I have taken care of my own needs and self care (spiritually, working out, supplements, sleep, prayer, etc), when....The list seems to be never ending and really not attainable rationally (yet that doesn't seem to matter to my mind).

If I'm honest, I have no idea when it (and by "it" I mean everything) is "enough", and I am often struck at the end of the night that all my striving just wasn't enough.  Perhaps others have an internal meteor that lets them know? I have no idea but I do know that many others do not seem to struggle with this or it is not on their radar at all.

My Lord reminded me that learning more about this was part of abiding in Him (Jn 15).  Bringing it all to him, daily, to have him gage what that is to look like in my life and how I am to spend my time and resources.  This is hard, I would like to have it all planned out clearly and be able to log it into my planner knowing what that should look like.  Sadly, my body still isn't as stable and predictable as I would like.  This means I have a forced reminder to bring it all to the Lord. May He continually draw me in and teach me when it is enough and ultimately that He is enough, despite my circumstances or abilities (or lack thereof).