So I often have all theses blogs or things running around in my head....but never get written down due to time or mostly the perfectionist side of me that just knows how much work it will be to make sure it is just so...so this post isn't that....it's just the opposite....it's just my random thoughts. Yes, there will be many mistakes and it may not make any sense but maybe that is good....if it will just get me writing again.
Do you ever feel like your not enough? I do and it is over powering sometimes. I'm not enough of a mom. A worker. A wife. A house cleaner. A decorator. A encourager. A supporter. A witness. Hey, I even want to knit and make cool things so that I can stay at home like some of these bloggers. Well the list could go on and on and I realize it more and more that it is suffocating I just want to be all things to all people all that time. That is ridiculous, flat out ridicules, I know. Yet it is such a strong feeling that pulls so hard at me, that it often pulls me to the ground and beats me over the head with it. And there I lay.... paralyzed to do anything.
One of the many things tonight was muffins. I was not able to actually make the muffins because I had to nurse my child to sleep who can't seem to sleep now without me. Sigh. (Insert another, "I'm not good enough": why can't I be like those other mom's that can do everything while nursing. Heck I even saw an IG pic today of a women bowling while she nursing, bowling, I mean skills! This is something I do not have at all. So I sit and wish I could do more.)
Now granted I used to love boxed mixes but now I seem them for more of what they are and feel guilty for even feeding them to others. But to be real, that's all the time we had. "Not good enough." We were going to be serving them at our small group in the morning, and let me tell you all these women can cook. They are amazing, supportive loving and I hate to bring them boxed muffins! "Not good enough!" And then there were only 12 muffins...12! What.... surely that would not be enough. I almost panicked and thought I should make more right now....well it is almost midnight ....what's worse than boxed muffins is not having enough if people were to actually take them. "Not enough"
But then I thought...I need to stop. Stop obsessing over all theses things (for really, I'm trying the hardest I can). Stop caring what others think (uggg....I thought I had already worked on that one enough). Stop wanting to be something that may just be out of reach. Stop trying to achieve so much yet fall short....every time.
That's a tall order....mostly what I need to do is rest. Rest in the fact that HE has already done everything that was ever truly important (why is that so hard for me). Thankful that He is the one that will help me rest. Pray for me for this! We will see if I scramble to try to make more muffins in the morning.