Man am I prideful! Isn't it a joy when kids can show you your sinful nature even more! Before Zo, I was determined to do things myself. I was strong enough, fast enough, capable enough, aware enough and smart enough to do it and didn't need your help (or your assistance - "Thank you very much Mr. Publix bag boy; why wouldn't I be able to walk my grocery cart out to my own car? I've been walking it around this whole store by myself for an hour!").
Then came Zoe, and postpartum depression, and milk allergies that caused her to cry almost non stop the first month, and endless nursing that made me feel that I could do nothing else. I felt it an accomplishment if I could just take a shower that day (really a shower, that's it...what about all the other things I just HAD to do). I felt powerless, weak, dependent, frustrated and confused ...this was not me (or at least the me that I identified with).
However, when we are broken, that's when the Lord can touch us the most. When we need him, can't do anything without him and his strength, we we see our finiteness and His bigness, when it is no longer about us - that's when he goes to work, as does His body!
So when other's shopped for my groceries, brought our family meals, when Beach served me as Christ would, both with my and Zoe's physical needs and the emotional wreck that I was, I was humbled and He was glorified. I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, I couldn't do, but God did and used his body to help.
Now pride will probably always be a struggle in my flesh but He keeps humbling me. I've been able to do very little with my health and morning sickness this past few weeks with this current pregnancy. Beach has had to do so much, and I know it is very wearing on him and our relationship. So when someone at church told me that she wanted to bring me a meal this week, I was shocked. I thought surely I didn't NEED this, surely I could do it, surely she should not have to go through so much effort to help me (pride crept up).
When I thought about it, it wasn't really me who would be cooking anyway (I know that I couldn't), it would be Beach, and he really could use a break. God has amazing timing. Most nights I feel pretty bad and the night that she brought the meal was REALLY bad as I couldn't get off the bed/couch all night. What a blessing it was to us. I was even more floored when she said she had yummy meals lined up for us the following week on Tues. and Thurs. What an amazing love the Lord has for us, an amazing heart he put into this women to bless us and an amazing body that served us in this way. Through my brokenness I am blessed in seeing this all come together! I hate being broken, and I'm sure there is more to come, but oh how I need it.
Now when I leave Publix, I smile and think, literally almost every time, that shopping there really is a pleasure (well that is if Zoe hadn't had a melt down). And much of that is thanks to the bag boy (hummm that probably is not the right PC term - please forgive) that walked my cart to my car (which I gladly accepted), put in my groceries and wheeled my cart away, while I settled in Zoe. So thankful for the help in getting closer to home with a wiggle worm! Thanks Publix, thanks friends, thanks Crossroads and thank you Lord!