Friday, December 27, 2013

Big and just getting bigger!

Pregnancy is hard, in many ways, but especially how it causes me to focus so much on my body.  It so hard not to when you seem to change more and more everyday.  When yet another item of clothing doesn't fit (it's especially bad if it is a piece of maternity clothes), when you just can't sit, move, get up as easily as you used to (ok, lets be real, its at a point where it's just a struggle to do much), when your kids beg for you to hold them while standing up (why is that....sitting down is so much nicer) and you know that your back just can't handle it - it's just so present - I'm not the same.

I've always struggled with body issues and certain periods of my life have been harder than others.  I remember when I was young feeling so ugly that I just wished I could look average. I just didn't understand, I was not asking for pretty, just average.  Feeling desperate about it.  This was a thought that rolled endlessly in my mind as I compared myself to my classmates.

I can't say I really recall when this particular self-defeating mantra ended, maybe somewhere after the braces came off.  The struggles were still there, the exercise bulimia, the not good enough, the seasons of my life when all I could think about was how heavy I was.  The thing that got to me the most, though, was the KNOWING that these things did not matter!  Not matter compared to most things; Not in eternity's perspective.  I hated that it drove my thoughts and emotions regardless.

The Lord has done some work in my life in this area, for sure.  Even after the birth of Shiloh I came to really appreciate how amazing my body is (well every woman for that matter).  However, it's hard, how quick the mind can forget.  When I feel/am as big now as I was towards the end of the other pregnancies. When I'm not holding the newborn that the Lord had created in my womb.
So here I am, 26 weeks, with oh so many to go.  Full disclosure....I do like this picture.  But in no way do I feel that it captures my size/feelings.  Beach even said that the picture makes me look small, as he explained that without a shirt you see the hugeness of it all (totally agree with him on this).  My ego is definitely not strong enough to post what I normally look like when just hanging out at home (with no make-up, yoga pants, crazy hair).  I wonder how that could even be the same person.
So I feel the need to explain that, as I'm sure that there are many people out there that think like me and see social media and judge themselves in comparison to it.  And if this is not something that you struggle with, you must tell your secret.  What this picture, also, doesn't show is how shortly after I had to change my pants, as the ones I was wearing were just too tight (and yes they were maternity), how my make-up melted as I balled in a melt down with dealing with the kids and how I wondered how in the world I was going to handle another child.
So preggo self, please try to remember what is important, how you are creating a new life, how your earthly temple may never be the same but the blessings you receive in your children could never compare.


  1. It is amazing toe how many beautiful women dont realize their beauty. I remember the day you came into the office with a make up, hair all over the place looking exhausted and you were beautiful then. I wish, myself included, women could see just a glimpse of what others see. You are beautiful and blessed. :)

  2. Thanks for this reminder. I have been struggling today with my post-pregnancy body, and while I still would like to trim down the excess weight, I can control my attitude about it. Children are oh, so worth it! And, no, you can't handle one more child, but the Lord can and HE will enable you. I'm learning this more and more everyday! Thanks for your transparency.