ONE

I have dived deep into the world of the Enneagram the last year or so.  Personality tests and information have aways been so fascinating to me!  I recall pouring over the Myers-Brigg book even at an early age when I was in middle school, trying to make sense of myself and the world around me in anyway I could.  I find the Enneagram even more intriguing now as an adult.  For it shows you (some would say exposes) areas that you can grow in.

There was no doubt in my mind that I was a One in the Enneagram, the Reformer.  For the record if one's didn't exist, I would be a nine, the Peacemaker, as all of that resonates with me so much as well.  However, EVERYTHING that a One is seems to fit me to a t.  (So I am a 1 wing 9 but also can wing 2 in many ways).

I am a perfectionist, it must be perfect.  What must be perfect you might ask?  But a better question would be: what doesn't have to be perfect, for that list would be one you can actually count.  The areas I feel I fail at sometimes are so insurmountable.  When I go to bed at night they usually scream at me with their "not enough" talk, usually to the tune of not being a good enough mom or being able to do enough for my man (didn't give them enough one on one attention, or help them read enough, or I'm not fun enough and to serious or....the list goes on).  To their credit, this is nothing that they impose on me, but solely from the depths of my soul (and Satan's dripping lips, as he whispers to my heart).  Sometimes my heart physically hurts from the weight and pressure of what I know is unattainable in my head but doesn't match up to what I feel that I should be able to do.  "It's not enough!"

And really it never will be.  I don't have the physical and emotional capacity to do and be what I want to be.  The Lord is slowly showing me that it is not even my job to be my families everything, for that is a God sized role only He can fill.  I pray that that will sink in, to every cell in my body, please God let it sink in quicker than later, and fill in all my unfilled enoughs!