The girl no one wanted

I realized I tried to downplay her greatness when she was younger.  I wasn't sure why but I now think it is because of how much I hate arrogance (chalk that up to a couple of previous bad relationships), and I didn't want to be one of those moms who bragged about her kids all the time.  Zoe did reach many developmental milestone early, and I think she is pretty amazing in general (she began wanting to walk with assistance at 6 months, fully walking at 10, was very verbal, had/has a memory like none other, is smart, kind, potty trained pretty easily, sleeps in her own bed, and has a killer smile). And while I still have those feelings of not wanting to come off haughty, I also want to recognize how blessed that I am with being given this amazing child (and amazing family in general).

I want to remember Zoe's special qualities (and all  my children) to and speak such into her life on an ongoing basis.  So this is post is for her, and the future her (although you're welcome to keep reading - but I will be speaking openly on her awesomeness).

Lately Zoe has been really into reading in her Jesus Storybook Bible about Jacob and his trickery marriage to Leah and Rachel.  Each time we get to the section where it talks about how Leah was not beautiful (and some thought she was quite ugly), Zoe insists that Leah was pretty.  Now I know that it is just a picture that was created, and she may just not think Leah looks bad in the picture, but knowing Zoe, I know that it is more.  Zoe is so watchful and caring.  So is often kind to her sister and others that she is around (yes, she is still three and has such 3-year-old behaviors that at time drive me crazy), her heart is just so tender and loving.  I have come to realize this more and more as she has gotten older and I am around many other children.  

So the other night, in getting to a page that again talked about how no one liked Leah (besides God)  because she was ugly, Zoe laid over the book on my lap.  I tried not to get annoyed, as I could no longer see and this seemed to be another step of a prolonged bed time. But (thankfully) I just asked her kindly what she was doing, "I was giving her a hug."  She does not usually hug pages in the book, but it just seemed to her that Leah could use a hug and some love, so she was just going to do that.  I wish I could do that so easily as well, see someone in need and just love on them without hesitation, even if it seems silly or not to make sense.  

This is just one small example of the love she has to give.  So my amazing Zoe, may you never lose that.  I know your heart will always be tender and I pray that you are always open to loving those that need it most!

Depression

I hate the word...more of I hate what is behind it, for myself (more on that here), for those I love and those that I counsel.  It's not something that is easily explained if it's something you have never struggled with.  

It's even harder to explain to someone who thinks they understand it.  I was told once by a mother whose son struggled with depression that she experienced it, too, at times.  She explained how when she was "depressed" would cry and talk to her spouse, get over it, and then not struggle with it again for a few months.  She was totally serious.  And I was shocked.  And hurt for the son, as to the little understanding he would really get from his mother.  Not that she meant anything negative from it, she just didn't have a clue.

I have heard many Christians say, too, that if you are really a believer then how could you struggle with depression. The hope we have in our Savior is amazing.  Life changing. Awesome. But that may not change the fact that my hormones are out of whack.  That life presents some really hard things at times.  That there is a spiritual battle going on and it is a hard fight - and one that seems even harder if you are "just not doing the right things" to get over it.

How do you explain the pain of the feeling of pointlessness, meaninglessness, even though you may know that in reality it is not true, but every cell within you screams otherwise. How you don't really want to feel that you are falling into a dark pit, it's not something you are just choosing to do.  To sob uncontrollably at things that you know are not "cry worthy".  To not understand why some days are okay and other days are such a struggle to not climb back into bed.

I am thankful that I have the support of my family, even when they don't understand.  Besides the Lord, they are what has kept me alive and thriving (most days) to this point.  Not everyone is so fortunate.  I try to use my experiences with depression to be more understanding of other's experiences that I may not understand, as there is so much hurt out there.  What about you?  How has your life been affected?

The big old month of December

I do so enjoy this time of year.  Holidays and traditions.  Breaks from work and time with family.  Here are the odds and ends of December!

The past couple of months Shiloh has wanted to be held a lot more, more so only if we are standing.  For this big preggo, this presents to be a problem, as already so much of my weight is in front.  Daddy, though, has skills and can cook while doing so... 

even a batch of his homemade pancakes.  Have I mentioned how amazing this man is!

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Decorating was fun, overall, and the kids were able to help out a bit too!

Or at least get in on the action!  Shiloh loves the Gamecock ornament (well anything Gamecock that is).

So I realized I have a ton of ornaments for when Zo was a baby, the first born privilege.  So this year I got one for Shi, too, just a little late. 

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Our midwife visits continue to go well.  I can't even begin to express how much easier, helpful and more enjoyable they are than going to a doctor's office, especially with the kids.  

Our midwife, Jamie, stays for about an hour and talks about any questions/needs I may have.  This is HUGE in comparison to the OB I saw for the other girls, those visits were more like wait an hour to see the Dr. no more than 10 minutes!

She allows the girls to join in and they often get their doctor kit out to do so as well.  I love that they can see this other side of care and be a part of the process.

Ezra, you sound amazing!  Even if you do have a fast heartbeat for a boy, as my midwife reports.

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Irmo had a holiday market where Loveland Coffee was a vendor.  

This was a first for us, so we started pretty low key and it was a good learning experience!  We hope to do more in the future!

Beach designed this print and had them for sale as well!

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We had fun at the Russell's Christmas party...

and we all enjoy another time to see baby Lydia.

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Zoe sure does love her Poppy!  She had been looking forward to going on a date with Grammy to the ballet.  She loves to dance and I knew she would enjoy it.  I wasn't able to go, as I needed to take care of Shiloh and Beach who were not feeling that well.  When mom got sick, too, Poppy stepped in to take her.  She couldn't be more thrilled!

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This month has brought up a lot of sickness to our household.  With Beach working so much, he has had little time to rest.  Which resulted in us having to cancel our small group Christmas party at the last minute. He was on his knees just shaking from whatever type of sickness....not a good way to start a party.  I HATE backing out of things, especially in the last minute, but some things cannot be helped!

Zoe was pretty bummed, too, much tears involved.
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The next day I took the girls to a show at the library.  We got there just when it started, which meant this big preggo sitting on the floor with her littles.  They would have it no other way, of corse.

It was actually really cute and entertaining for us all!  So glad to get to spend special moments with them.  Just hopping dad would get better soon!

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I'm so blessed to be reading this book throughout Advent.  Voskamp has an amazing anointing with words that really brings the focus to what is important.

 This is a book I would highly recommend and will add it to my December reading every year.  I must say that I was not able to complete it by the big Christmas day...but continued all the same until I did.

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The Saturday after our mountain trip we had our own little family Christmas.

Complete with coffee (steamed milk) and pancakes.
Zoe really got into the opening gifts idea this year!

Beach got a couple of things that he really liked!

My little princess enjoyed her dress up items the most!

I would say somebody was a happy girl.

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 I was glad to finally get the last of the leaves up.....bags for days!

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I love being able to create but the inspiration/time/talent has been very lacking the past few years.  However, I wanted to make my mom and sister something and felt that the Lord laid this on my heart.  In Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, she speaks a lot of "Eucharisteo". And it has stuck with me.  Both my mother and sister have read her work as well, so I knew they could appreciate this and how thanksgiving always precedes the miracle.  I so enjoyed making it as it was therapeutic to my soul as well.

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We got together with my side of the family the Sunday after Christmas to do our gift exchange.

Beach modeled in front of all the gifts and Shiloh joined in, too.  I was really bad in these are the only type of holiday "in front of the tree pictures" that I took this year!  What!

The girls were cute, though, but a bit wound out that night!

I got to wear my new momma bird necklace, with three eggs, for the first time.

Gift opening was a bit of craziness...alright a lot of craziness.

And a lot for this full momma to handle.

There were many handmade treasures given!

And happy smiles for new toys and princess PJ's.

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The last day of the year and Zoe actually requested a picture with her sister in their matching new crocs.

They are such goofballs and I couldn't help but include this picture....Zoe has the habit of crossing her eyes when I go to take her picture.  I have no idea why or if she even truly knows what she is doing, but it makes me laugh at her crazy self!

My sister came over and we braved the cold weather for a walk.  After seeing how much weight I gained in my last prenatal appointment, it gave me some motivation. However, I then had intense contractions the rest of the night, and if I didn't know better would say that my 29 week self was going into labor.

But this was remedied by my midwife's suggestion of laying down and drinking a half cup a wine....nice coincidence with the new year's celebration!

Here's to one amazing crazy year....and just about to get even crazier in 2014!