Friday, April 27, 2012

The Darkness Battle

And the darkness rolls in.
I thought I had escaped this time.
I thought it would be different, was different.
But it's here, and strangely under the surface yet now rearing it's ugly head.
I have many weapons against it now and I have to fight, for me, for my girls, for my family.
It's as if I'm on a close to falling and I didn't realize it until I gave up fighting one night after a long day of it.

Depression has had a hold on much of my early life, rearing it's ugly hands around my neck of life, almost chocking it out completely.  I've learned along the way how work on such, certain things trigger it more than others, and yet sometimes there are no reasons at all.  However, it has gotten better overall.  This postpartum depression, though....when you have depression your more likely to get it.  I knew that, I had even been to day long conferences on such.  But to be in the middle of it, to not be able to stop crying, even when you have out of town guests staying with you, to have thoughts that I don't even want repeated from my lips or written for for me always to remember, it feels never ending.  But end it did.

The second time around with Shiloh...even more chance of getting it as I have had it already (pretty high actually).  But I didn't, there was a lot more joy this time.  But I know better, that it can still come,  yet I didn't see it right away when it did.

The non stop crying is a big trigger, the screams that only can be stopped by the suckling of nursing, yet again.  She just ate, yet that doesn't seem to matter.  Other babies, still and quiet, enjoying the family life.  Then there is big sister, intensity flowing through her vains and out every pore onto me.  It used to be fine, hard many times, but fine.  Now, I feel I just can't do it.  Can't plead to convince her to eat, to not throw yourself down and cry on the  floor because I folded your sandwich the wrong way, when you repeatedly ask for things I can't do (like being able to see a school bus again), over and over again.  Over and over again. I try to distract, to comfort and love but it's so much harder now, so much harder.  The lies of the evil one strong.

I cry and close my eyes and crawl into bed.  I don't want to do it.  I want to sleep and not wake, but yet wait, the sleep means I will have to wake soon and do it all tomorrow. No, no, no....I will shut my eyes and not open....but there is the cliff and I begin to fall.  Unending sobs...what is wrong...oh, this, this, it is here again.  I spiral down, my man attempts to comfort.  I'm scared, I don't want to fight it.  It is so strong.

But getting up, he convinces me I must put on my pajamas.  And I'm up, eyes open, coming back to the world, seeing a little more clearer.  I can't let it win.  It is so strong but I can't let it win.  I'm scared of the battle, how if affects me and my girls.  How I'm not as loving or nearly as patient when it is here.  How the harsh voice and tears come so easily but I know I have to fight.
Walking outside to calm the crying one.  The beauty of a day fading as night rolls in.  I must fight through the tears.  Be present and thankful, as I'm learning how to combat.  See the beauty in the trees, the bunny that pauses in the grass, hoping to remain safe, the flowers that bloom so close, the freshness in the air... and the clouds so high.  My how I wish I could capture them, they roll quickly, moving through.  They are bright, but the underside is dark, so dark.  How I am among them....bright, yes life is bright, but on the bottom, the part that can burst forth rain, it is there and can take over quickly.  Wipe away tears, have to fight, let the bright shine, pray for thankfulness, seeing in the little things all the blessings I have, resting in His arms until the dark clouds roll away again.


  1. My dearest Jessica,

    I will always be by your side, there to pray over and cover you with the love of the Father. You and our children our the greatest gift the Lord has ever given me. You are Cherished.

  2. Jessica, your words grip my heart. They are so real, transparent. How thankful I am for God and his love for you. How he created you and knit you together in such a special way. Challenging so many times and yet he promises to be with you, hold you and empower you to walk through the darkness. I will be praying for the brightness of his love to cover you and sustain you. You can call me anytime to just come and be there. Don't hesitate. I will be there in a heart beat. There is so much to be thankful for and I am thankful for you, the light that you are in my life, and the blessing that you are to your girls and your husband. Much love and prayers coming your way.