Thursday, February 23, 2012

Breathing in the sunshine and the last moments of now

So I'm very much aware of how my life is going to drastically change any day now. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Many people ask me, "Are you ready?" "Are you excited?" And, no, I'm not. You see after having Zoe it was a very hard a dark few months. She cried nonstop it seemed (due to being in pain from her milk allergy that we did not know about), except when nursing. This meant I cried all the time and being stuck at home (for I surly couldn't take a screaming child anywhere) to try to deal with/comfort this poor thing was not what I expected. The guilt was high for not being excited and joyful. The anxiety deep for keeping this infant alive and well. In fact, I asked myself why I even wanted to do this? I thought being a mother was what I always wanted, then why did I seem to want anything else.

Fortunately, that phase has passed and, despite its own new challenges, I can't imagine life without Zoe; she brings so much joy to me and to those that she comes in contact with. But the fact of having to go through all the hardships again of a newborn (especially now with also having a toddler) is scary but I know that Shiloh may (and hopefully will be) different... but she may not.

All that to say, is that when today's Februaryness called for 80 temperatures (did I mention how much I hate cold weather) and my babysitter was sick (so I guess I can't go to work :-), I knew that we had to take advantage of the time we had, so off to the zoo we went. Zoe was pretty tired by the time we got there, which actually worked out well in that she stayed in her stroller pretty subdued (very unZoe like) for most of the time. This is good for an overdue momma not to have to chase her around to much.
I loved how when she would see the animals she would say, "Touch it," (even to these lovely birds) but would settle for just waving at them.
When she finally could not stand it anymore and was released from the stroller, she ran up to other kids, invading their space, so excited to see them....yes she is ready for a sibling for sure!
Upon getting on the lion she instructed me to push her but was satisfied in my explanation that it just wouldn't move, no matter how strong mommy may be.
I just cherished the moments I could hold her, knowing that life would forever be changed soon; I just loved watching her dance along the winding trail to the African music, clapping when a song was over and giving her big "Please" when wanting more. How wonderful to be a child, when the music and spirit tells you to move, you do and you love it and you could care less who else is around.
I'm so thankful for this special day I feel the Lord gifted us with to enjoy his creation and each other and to prepare my heart and mind for what is soon to come!

1 comment:

  1. So sweet! Sounds like the waiting is worth it just to enjoy times like that. Love you!